I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
