Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
