So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
