Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
