Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
