I wish I could teleport
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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