Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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