i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
