You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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