I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
