that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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