i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
