Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize