and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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