Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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