I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
