My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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