Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
