my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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