I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
