True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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