She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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