He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
