So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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