Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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