I hope mine doesn't look like that
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
