My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
