I puked a lego.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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