i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
