Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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