I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
