Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i think i have two assholes
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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