from now on my penis is your penis
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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