i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
