my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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