So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
