the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
