I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
