spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
