and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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