sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
