Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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