you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
did i just pee glitter
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
