Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This house was built for laser tag.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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