I'm gonna have a badass scar
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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