I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
