come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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