so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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