She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
