my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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