im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
