I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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