Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
