I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize