Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
