we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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