Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
