I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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