I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
