my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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